and she's back ;)

I’m going to college! I’ve got a freelance writing job! He told me he cares about me! I’m still a CamGirl…!

Two more weeks, and I leave this place, I’m so excited. College! It’s a new life. It’s a new home.

Since my Fight with my mom, I don’t feel I belong here. She told me she sacrificed her life for me, that she ruined it because of me. As if I ever asked her to give me birth.

I need to build a life, I need to have a home…

The downside is that I don’t have the money to buy a laptop and take it to the campus, so I’ll have to give up my camgirl job for a while. I’ll miss it! It’s addictive, really. I never thought I’ll end up loving it. But it’s fun, and I feel sexy, and I make money! It’s like going to a wild party and being paid for that. I feel like a star, an actress, and my bedroom is my stage.

And, also, I’ll miss him…

he will never ever, never ever love you... :)

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, so true! I’ve been hurt so many times, sometimes I was mad, sometimes I was in pain, sometimes I revenged, sometimes I preferred to forget, but each of these experiences was a step, that led me to now. Sometimes it scares me how selfish I became, and I know it’s wrong, and I can see that my indifference hurts the people I love, but that’s me, today. I’m not a good girl or a bad girl, I’m just a girl dealing with life. I care about people, I should care! But all this care is kind of material, reduced to the things and actions I can take for the well being of these ppl. Indeed my feelings towards them are so cold, and I hurt them so many times with my words, and I don’t even feel guilty for that. On the other hand, maybe I’m doing them a favor, the world is not a sweet and friendly place to live in, it’s a jungle, and the strongest survives. I don’t feel guilty when I put people down, why should I? I’ve been hurt too, I’ve been let down, I’ve been backstabbed, I had to deal with bullies and jerks, I was insulted a lot of times. I wasn’t born a sarcastic bitch! I had to feel all the dirt of the world too. That’s the way it is. I hurt you, you hurt someone else, another one hurts me…Recently I’ve started to have these thoughts that it’s not ppl who hurt us; it’s us who hurt ourselves.  When someone does you wrong, you either let yourself feel crushed, or you say Fuck It and you stand up. Either way it’s your choice. I used to fall down a lot, now I just say Fuck It do everything, and everyone.

And I will never see the sky the same way and
I will learn to say good-bye to yesterday and
I will never cease to fly if held down and
I will always reach too high cause I've seen, cause I've seen, twilight...

I feel so far from where I’ve been. I’m loosing you, the whole of you, I’m losing the memories, it’s like you never were… and I can’t live with this emptiness. You’re gone! It’s a reality I have to accept, and I do, but I’m missing something I can’t even remember, I’m missing me…It’s never going to be the same, and I can’t believe I have to live with this all my life, with this piece of me broken, taken away. I’m so helpless! My hands are tied up and all I can do is watching my life crushing, how can I accept it? You’re my weakness… I love you so much! I could do anything for you, give it all away! I hoped so much that you’ll see it in my eyes; I hoped so much that you’ll come back! But you never did, and you’ll never do, I know it, I can’t lie to me anymore, you’ll never come back! You’re gone! I’m gone!

I did love him! Maybe I still do, but I prefer not to think about it, I don’t want to be vulnerable, because he’s not here to pick me up if I fall. He made my life so crazy, so colorful and intense, magical! I was happy, truly happy, even when in pain. Now I’m not suffering, but I’ve lost all the innocence, and my life is a blur, and my heart is frozen. I remember the moment he told me he’s leaving, I felt like my world was falling apart, but I just looked at him, and I did not say a word… and he left, and I lost my chance forever. Sometimes I feel like he hurts me now and then … so that he would make me stronger. I want to believe that he’s got a plan. But it might be that one day he’ll come and it will be too late, and I’ll be gone, lost in the emptiness and coldness of my life.